I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
