You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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