areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
