So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
