piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
third nipple confirmed
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
