also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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