She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
