Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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