if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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