I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
