I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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