proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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