I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
