Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
