"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
