This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Randomize