I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Too much gin, very little bucket
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
