Please, let me fuck your mom
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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