I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
