it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize