dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
