home. puking in laundry basket.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
