I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
