Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
