it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
please come you make the beer taste better
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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