got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
