Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize