her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
