If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Watching her eat just hurts me
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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