TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Randomize