Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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