I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
