; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
