and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
