is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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