apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
