Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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