You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
