Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
