I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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