T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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