Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
