Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize