Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
You're earring is so big in my mouth
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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