ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
