life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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