i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
