Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
