I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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