Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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