When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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