WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
