Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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