So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
