Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
