Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
