It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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