About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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