My nipple is on Facebook.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
How's work?
Spinning.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
