That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize