we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
