I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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