I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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