we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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