my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
